Grief, great loss, big loss. When the death of your loved one is facing you head on. The grief can be unimaginable and unexplainable.

I have hurt when my grandparents passed away. I have lost friends to accidents, and suicide which have been a challenge to cope with. I know friends who have had to bury their child or spouse. I felt so badly for them, my heart hurt for them, but I did not truly understand the pain and loss they were feeling. I was fortunate not to know.

On November 5th, 2022 I received the worst phone call of my life. I was walking my dog an unusually long distance that morning. I was talking to a friend on the phone when I saw Charlie calling through. Charlie is a good friend to Lorick. I knew Lorick had been with Charlie the night before which I will get to later.. Needless to say, my call was to let me know he was gone.

It felt like space and time did not exsist. I screamed, ran, and did not know where to go or what to do. My plan was to get to Charlie’s house (Lorick was still there) but I was so far away from my car and my feet where not moving. But, I was going. Then Susie. My friend Susie found me on the road and told me to go home. I did, but my intention was to get in my car and see Lorick. That did not happen.

From that point forward, my body felt numb, the air that I was breathing hurt, the pain I felt inside of my body was tremendous. I don’t think I have ever sobbed like that in my life.

My biggest question, and it kind of remains a question to me was, ‘Where are you? Where did you go? Where? How could he be gone? Just like that.

I wrote this post on my Facebook page on November 6th, 2022:

I loved you so so much. We just could not quit each other. Not even after divorce. I just wanted you, Lorick. I know you felt the same about me. Our story started 2/8/15 on an introduction. 5/1/15 on our first date, which was magical. We loved hard, fought stupid, wanted a life together, but our stubbornness, ego, bs got the best of us. We had a beautiful divorce (I know that sounds weird) but, we held hands out of the courthouse and went to lunch. We held each other and knew our story was not over. And it wasn’t. We had pauses, but it wasn’t over. I want you back so very badly. I’m sorry my Sugarbear. I’m sorry I didn’t get to you. Love the people you love. Take the risks, who cares what others say. If you feel love like I got to feel with this man, Lorick Fanning, consider yourself fortunate. I just want you back.

This was only the begining of what is now my new normal.

I will post my step by step since November 5th. It’s for me, it can be for anyone who feels alone in grief. My situation with Lorick was complicated. His death cut away a piece of my heart. We got divorced that year. Grief is bad enough, but being the x-wife, lover, best friend, has another level of fucked up.