The first week since Lorick’s passing was nothing short of a blur. However, I did have moments of clarity. I had a difficult time letting the reality of the situation sink in. Plus, I wanted to see him. Well, all I could vision was his hand. I wanted to touch his hand and say goodbye. That did not happen.

Now, in fairness to all of those who loved Lorick, primarily his children, grief manifests differently for everyone. Perhaps being angry with me helped others cope.

I requested to see him. I asked more than once. I was told no. No one would see him. I was also told by someone speaking on behalf of his children and family, to “know my place.” I was the ex-wife, I chose divorce and since I chose divorce I do not have a place at the table, so to speak.

Insert knife into my heart and slash the rest of the dam thing. Fuck man. I just wanted to touch his hand and say goodbye, closure.

Lorick was creamated.

Since that day, I have been working, praying very hard at giving grace, understanding others, forgivness. Every single day I practice this. Every day.

His service was held 4 days after his death. 11/9/2022. So much about that service was out of place for me. The pastor who eulogized him was not someone who cared about Lorick. As a matter of fact, we left St. Helena primarily because of this pastor, and his cold demeanor towards us. His dislike of Lorick was not lost on me. They had a past.

I sat in the middle back of the church with my close girl friends and my family. His service was well attended, filled with people from his job, life long friends, family. I felt like I was on cast away island. I was.

I was not extended an invite to his repast, I was not uninvited. It was clear, and as stated above that his death was not about me or my loss.

Lorick and I were very close. Our relationship was not healthy. We divorced for a reason. However, we could not stop loving each other. And we did love each other. Love. I don’t have to explain it to anyone. I loved that man from our first date. I thought about that man prior to meeting him for the first time. I loved and will always love him in my heart.

The month before he died was one of our best. We spent long weekends together, alone and with friends. Just a lovely time. I am lucky to have those memories. The week before he died he came to my house to celebrate my youngest’s birthday with my family and friends. He came over for dinner the Wednesday before he died. We had our usual disagreement, he was mad with me and just left. I sat on the couch and tears rolled down my face. But, I did not run after him.

Friday morning less than 24 hours before his death. I woke up feeling awful. Head cold. I saw a text come in from Lorick. It was not a good text. It was hurtful and made me very sad. I did not respond to it right away. I wanted to process it and make sure my response was not going to cause more damage. When I finally responded, we bantered back and forth. He proclaimed he was a good man and someone would appreciate him. I told him I agreed 100%.

My head cold was getting the best of me, but dispite not feeling well I went to the high school football game with my sons. My son was visiting from college. I sucked it up for the kids. We got home around 10 pm. Lorick was not far away at a friends house who was having a farewell party for a mutual friend. Lorick sent me a text asking me what I was doing. I sent him a picture of the boys playing games. He then asked me to pick him up. I told him I thought he broke up with me, why would he want me? He told me fine, that he would be ok. I told him he was confusing me, I didn’t feel good, and I was going to bed. That is what I did.

The next morning, Nov. 5th. I woke up, still not feeling great. I picked up my phone and saw more text messages from Lorick. They were hard to understand because he was writing in emoji’s, and I think he was trying to type into his watch. The last message in the thread of messages said, “When I need you, you are not there for me, and that’s the situation.”

Well fuck.

Not knowing he had died, I tried to call him. Nothing. I then sent him the daily Wordle challenge. Nothing. I called him again. Nothing. I thought to myself, he’s being a big baby. He is mad at me and he did not get his way so he is going to punish me. I called him again. Nothing.

I left my house and took the dog for a walk.