The pity train has just derailed at the corner of SUCK IT UP and MOVE ON. By the way, don’t you dare fucking judge me.

Divorce, dating your ex husband, and death. This was perplexing to my friends and I am sure to his friends too. Our last month together we choose to slowly let people know of our on and off almost 8 month dating secret. Some close to us probably knew and did not want to touch the topic with a ten foot poll. My biggest regret, and I am sure one of his too, was we shared too much with “friends” regarding our unraveling marriage. Almost to the point of no return. I wish I never did that. I am working on forgiving myself everyday for that.

Everything has a consequence. As I discovered, not only did my divorcing Lorick have a consequence on how I was treated by those weilding control after his death, but also how my friends wanted me to feel after his death.

Due to my oversharing our failings, fights, and battle stories, a few friends in my circle felt it was important to remind me of ‘why’ we got divorced. “Don’t forget about….” or “Why are you still upset?” Seriously?!

Hey, guess what, that was fucked up. No one has the fucking right to tell anyone how to grieve. Got it?! Grief is personal. Grief is fucking hell. Grief has a process. Please respect my grief.

All of this is part of my process. Writing. Getting it out, not locking it up to fester and wreck my brain.

A day or so and continued into days and weeks ahead, I had unexplained events happen. I believed it to be him. I feel strongly it was. Objects moved without explaination, vibrations around the house. The hawk, the messages from the air tag, the shattered glass. Just to share a few.

It was him. He was trying to communicate with me, I know it. I don’t need anyone to tell me to not embrace that or that it’s made up in my mind. I just got a hello from him the other day.

Yes, we divorced. Yes, he was shitty to me. Yes, I kept going back. Yes, I loved him, a lot. “I’m sorry about your loss, but you were divorced, right?” – That is the stupidest fucking thing to say to anyone who just lost their ex-spouse. So think before you speak! Yes, we were divorced, and guess what, it makes death so much worse.