Day 9. Lost.

I went to work today. It was just ok. I felt people looked at me differently, maybe that was in my mind. Some did check in with me, “How are you?” Humm, how am I? I don’t have a fucking clue.

To me, the world feels empty. I don’t know how I am supposed to be, act, eat. What if I smile or show signs of happiness? The thought of a smile or laugh at this point makes me nervous. Deep down I know being happy is what I need to in order to heal.

One month before Lorick died, he gave me an Apple Air Tag. This is a GPS location device. He liked to know where I was. When he gave it to me he cloaked his intentions by saying it was to make sure I did not lose my purse. LOL. I knew better and I did not care.

The Air Tag located me just as I got home from work. This had been happening from time to time since he died. I pulled into my driveway and sat in my car just thinking and looking at the trees, all of a sudden I had an alert on my phone. ‘The owner of this Air Tag knows your location.’ I wanted it to be Lorick. I am scared when the Air Tag stops. This will happen when Lorick’s phone is shut down. Ugh. I love you Lorick.

Day 10. Nothing.

I taught my first exercise class. I felt like an open seaping wound and everyone could see into it, exposing my secrets. I felt judged for being an ex-wife. Why was my brain allowing these feelings to take over?

I did it. I lasted the entire 45 minutes, a lump in my throat, a hole in my gut. Trying to be me was so hard. How was I ever going to be me again? Who am I anyway? Day 10, I had zero fucking clue.

I ran to my office after class. I saw my friend and told her about my anxiety. “What?! Why?! Why are you like this?” I looked at her stunned. “Don’t you forget why you got divorced! Don’t you forget all of the things he did to you!! He is gone!! You are here. I don’t want to hear about your sadness anymore.” My friend said all of this to me. It felt harsh, mean but, not entirely wrong.

It takes 2 to get married, and 2 to get divorced. That being said, I was on the receiving end of some fucked up shit. Right up to the day before he died.

“When I need you, you are not there for me. That’s the situation. Thanks.” ~ Lorick Fanning. Nov. 4th 2022. 11:38 p.m.

Day 10. Fuck you, you sucked. But, I am still here on the island of the shamed ex-wife. This island can go fuck it’s self.