We never really grow up. We only learn how to act in public.

So much running around in my head. Mostly self depreciating. Apparently I have given permission to a few people to rent space in my head. Time to kick those tenants out.

I realized a lot of what people were saying or their behavior towards me doesn’t matter anymore. Lorick’s gone. What matters is how I move forward with my life. Being sure my tounge is not forked, just because events and situations were causing my anger.

I am choosing to explore the ‘why’. Why did you have to say that? Why couldn’t I just see him? Why? Was that what he wanted and I didn’t know it. Did he express his wishes to his family and friends at some point while he was alive? Did he write it down somewhere?

Hello, it’s me Denice, I am over here on Ex-Wife Island. Ex-Wife Island is cold and bare. Dark and grey.

I know the truth, Lorick knows the truth, and God knows the truth. That has to absolutely be enough. So time to put my big girl britches on and remind myself I will be ok. I am here. A lot of people care about me and love me. Stop allowing a few to mistreat me. Because whatever their reason is, it is none of my business.

Well, fuck. I am still trying to remind myself of that. But I can not help having a stream of regreful thoughts.

Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. ~ Luke 6:28

Time to look ahead. I have a trip planned. I am going to NJ to see old friends and celebrate my 30th reunion (2 yrs later). I booked this trip November 3rd. 2 days before Lorick died. I would have not gone to NJ had I not booked prior to November 5th. Little did I know that this trip was going to be the first real step towards my healing process.

Day 13. I wrote the following in my journal:

I am so lost. I keep playing our life over and over. I know it takes 2 people to love and hurt each other. Which is what we did. I can’t keep my head up. I keep blaming myself. I know those thoughts are not ok. I am just hurting so much. I am going to try to keep living. I am going to try to change how I live, love, and forgive. I can not beleive you are really gone. I just want you back.

“We look for love, no time for tears, wasted water’s all that is and it don’t make no flowers grow. Good things might come to those who wait, not for those who wait too late, we got to go for all we know. Just the two of us.” ~ Grover Washington, Jr.