I’d like to announce I have no idea what I’m doing. Today I feel hopeful.

Day 18

I’m starting to forget my sorrows, oh who am I kidding. I should say I am building a shelf to put my sorrows on and out of my way. I am going in and out of disbelief, anger, sadness and concern for myself.

I catch myself having moments of happiness and being hopeful. Then the guilt taps me on the shoulder. Where do I fit in? What emotions am I supposed to have? I was in the gray.

Gray is a bad place for me. I am a high functioning black or white person. Gray, she gets me into trouble. Gray impairs my decision making. That bitch Gray allowed someone to slither into my life when I was the most vunerable.

Along comes a man on a white horse. What is happening? Do I just let this man on his bright white horse rescue me? Wow, this feels good, but is this real? He has all the stuff, stories, connections. This seems too good to be true. This seems too good to be true.

For the next few days I allowed the man on the white horse take care of me. Hug me, feed me, water me. What was happening? Who in their right mind would want to take me on right now? I mean, I am a fucking mess. Why would anyone invest in me? I know all too well that unstable is not very attractive. Stable, happy people attract stable happy people. So, what was I really attracting. Hind sight is 20/20.

The man on the white horse was not giving up. I guess I’m just going to roll with this. Why not? It feels good. Sorrow is staying on her shelf. What do I have to lose, nothing because I have already lost Lorick. What I didn’t consider was me. I could lose me, again.

Fuck it. I’m going for the ride. The horse is white. I am gray and the white horse was pulling me out of the gray. So it seemed.

You will never really see how toxic someone is until you breathe fresher air.

“The greater the artist, the greater the doubt. Perfect confidence is granted to the less talented as a consolation prize.” ― Robert Hughes