I’m sorry, and by sorry I mean get over it.

Day 25 & 26

Was that you the other morning? Did you leave my house? Lorick, can you hear me?

Humming along. Not feeling the stuff, emotions. I feel a bit cold inside, lacking emotions. Then they, my emotions crept back in. These emotions are associated with my memories of the dark part of our relationship. The put downs, the gaslighting, the saddness, the abuse. What do I do with that? It’s raw and painful. I opened that dark door, the door I shut after Lorick died. It is the very door my ‘friends’ reminded me of around day 10. Oh good lord, it’s time to revisit all the stuff.

Projection, I think it was all projection on his part. He crafted the words just enough for me to hang on and call them truth. Maybe I was an easy mark. Sure I was, I’m an empath. I didn’t possess the qualities of the person he was convincing me to be. His narrative of me was honestly ludicrous, anyone he shared it with or I shared it with thought so too. Well, maybe a few people bought into his story, but that is none of my business and a waste of my time proving myself to anyone who did not see the real me.

All of my bad memories needed to be unearthed. The Man on the White Horse was back, and knocking at my door. I am fighting with myself, telling myself I am not worthy. Lorick did a number on my brain.

Oh the Man on the White Horse.

I fought with all of those words Lorick placed in my brain. I actually talked outloud to him arguing my point as if he were in the room with me. The beauty of that, he couldn’t walk out on the argument this time. I am not insane, I am healing myself, getting the last word, finally.

Dear Lorick,

The Man on the White Horse likes me and you can not stop it. You stopped it in October because I choose you over him. But now you did it, you finally left me for good. Abandoning me and leaving me banished to Ex-Wife Island. I like the Man on the White Horse, you can not stop it, you can not stop me. xoxo

I meant to behave, but there were too many other options.

I really don’t want to villianize Lorick. I loved him so much. We had a ton of fun together, so many laughs. He was so funny. I needed to remember the hurt in order to let anyone get close to me. Especially the Man on the White Horse, who was too good to be true. The Devil doesn’t come to you in a red cape and horns, he comes to you disguised as everything you always wanted. That is the ding dong truth.

“If I built this fortress around your heart, encircled you in trenches and barbed wire. Then let me build a bridge, for I cannot fill the chasm, and let me set the battlements on fire. Then I went off to fight some battle I’d invented inside my head, away so long for years and years, you probably thought, or even wished that I was dead. While the armies all are sleeping, beneath the tatterred flag we’d made, I had to stop in my tracks for fear of walking on the mines I’d laid.” Fortress Around Your Heart ~ Sting