Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me. Then I remember, oh, I put up with you. So we’re even.

Day 30. I can not believe you are gone, never coming back. I wonder where you are, who you have visited. Who are you comforting with your spirit. I haven’t felt anything for days. Is that because I am trying to go on living?

I decided to stop counting the days that have past since you died. It’s now a month and a day since you left. Counting the days feels like I am holding myself back, clinging to grief like a security blanket. This is not helpful for my healing process. You are not coming back, so I need to settle into that, I’ll start coming to terms with that, at the very least, I am going to try.

My friend Walter, he is so kind to call and check on me. I have been surrounded by a circle of love since Lorick has died. Interesting thing about the circle, it’s not made up of the friends I would have expected to embrace me, quite the opposite. Death can be revealing. Death revealed perhaps what I already knew regarding certain friendships of mine. This is OK, it is. Death means something is over, endings. The way I like to see it, endings are an opportunity for beginings too. Fresh starts, new friendships, reviving old friendships that stand the test of time. How fortunate for me, I was pulled from the day to day and exposed to my friends waiting in the wings to catch me. Death has set me on a new course. I’m ready for my new journey.

Walter let me know what I already suspected, Lorick’s ashes have been scattered at his fishcamp, 2TI. I wondered who got to say the final goodbye to him. It made me very sad, but I was prepared for that news. I did not have any expectations of inclusion, just hopes to be included. I did ask to be, but remember, it’s not about me or my grief, I need to remain in exile on Ex-Wife Island.

Breath. Grace, keep giving grace.

I am going to have a new relationship with 2TI, the fishcamp. Lorick’s family can not control me going out there, or visiting him whenever I want. I loved it out there too. The ironic thing to me about 2TI was I had been there a few years before I had even met Lorick. Mutual friends and partners in the camp had invited me a couple of times. It was wonderful! I remember the first time Lorick invited me, I said ‘Oh, I love that place!’ I think he was a little disappointed because he wanted to be the one who revealed it to me.

Lorick used 2TI as a lore. He did. I can’t blame him for that, I get it. It is an amazing place, only way to access it is by boat. I have witnessed amazing sunsets, sunrises, full moons, thunderstorms, and beautiful sunny days. The kids loved it too, any outdoor child who loves to fish and swim had a blast there. Lorick modified the pier head so we all could jump off into the creek. He and I would day visit when no one was there and sit on the pier head swing listen to music, hold hands and talk. My memory of all of it is as clear as day. It is heaven out there. It is a magical place. I’ll be back. I plan to go as much as I can.

Lorick is truly resting in heaven. Lorick, dumplin, I’ll be by to visit you. I miss you everyday.