Hey, train wreck, this isn’t your station.

I gave you back your name. I guess I’ll move along. What choice is there? Time to face reality and the reality of my situation. Is it really fair to be angry with anyone? Maybe, but it doesn’t help me heal and it certainly perpetuates the mountain of hurt feelings. “I’ve thrown away the blues, I’m tired of being used. I wanted everyone to know.” – Sail on

What am I doing to myself? Why am I here? Locked in it. This place in my mind is making me nuts. I usually know how to tame it, control the thoughts, but my goodness, it’s a total mess in there. I think I keep tricking myself or trying to convince myself that I am ok. Why shouldn’t I be, after all it’s been 6 weeks now. Oh, wait a minute, I am not supposed to be counting the days. Remember, I told myself to stop doing that. I told myself it wasn’t healthy. I told myself to stop feeling sorry for myself, and don’t forget self pity is a sign of weakness and he told me I was weak and how can I allow him to be right……

Deni, sorry for the mean, hurtful, accurate things I said to you.

Ok, Deni get a fucking grip already. Everything you are going through is normal, and it would be weird if you didn’t struggle from time to time. It will get better. Remember, you are a good person, a good mother, loving daughter, a hard worker, a loyal friend. It is ok to love yourself, again. Breath.

So, just as I was letting love and light in I had an unexpected run in with Lorick’s dad, sister and son. The last people I expected to see at the Beaufort Academy Alumni Oyster Roast. I am on the alumni committee and Jackson is an alumni, so I had every reason to be there. Lorick and his siblings were also alumni of BA, so they had every reason to be there. I didn’t expect Lorick’s family to show up. They didn’t do social gatherings, at least not his dad or sister. I wondered if they thought there was going to be some kind of tribute to Lorick? Who knows. What I do know is I wanted to say hello and give them all a hug. I cared about all of them. Just because we were divorced didn’t mean I stopped caring about his family. I’m not wired like that. Plus, hugging them would be the closest thing to hugging Lorick again.

As I approached them, I immediately started to feel uncomfortable, the energy was bad, but this train was not stopping, I couldn’t. I said hello, smiled, asked how everyone was. Nothing. Like really, nothing. Pop wouldn’t even look at me. He directed his conversation to another person. I stood silent for a second, but I couldn’t leave. Laura’s hands started doing some weird nervous like movement. It was so awkward. I guess to break the awkward silence she asked about the boys. In an effort to remove myself from this trainwreck I only gave a brief update. Then I simply said, “It was lovely to see you all again, I hope you have a Merry Christmas.” I walked away and wanted to fade to black.

Sweet Jackson came to my rescue. My sons love me so much and I am so very thankful. Jackson was watching from across the courtyard. He saw what was happening. He didn’t hear anything said, he told me he could tell I was in trouble by the sad look on my face. He came over to me and whispered into my ear asking if I was ok. I told him no, and I told him what had happened. He grabbed my hand tight and said, “Fuck them Mom. They don’t deserve you or your kindness. I love you. Fuck them.” At this point I had a massive lump in my throat, gut wrenching hole in the stomach. It took an act of God for me not to cry. I pulled myself together without anyone noticing I was really falling apart. I stayed for another 20 minutes and then quitely left.

My friend who was talking with Pop durring this most awkward situation sent me a text message that evening. She said she felt badly about what happened, and then let me know that Laura came up to her and asked if she knew where I was. She told Laura she thought I went home. Laura told her she wanted to say goodbye to me. This made me think maybe I was being sensitive, maybe they didn’t mean to treat me poorly, maybe they are hurting so much and just don’t know what to do with all of their emotions. So, I reached out in a text message to Laura.

Laura,

I am sorry I didn’t say goodbye to you before I left. It was good to see you and your dad. I hope y’all have a lovely Christmas. I know it is hard without LeeLee and Lorick. I loved them both. I loved your brother beyond words. I’d do anything to have him back, as I know you would too.

xoxo, D

She never responded. I double checked to make sure I had the correct phone number for her. I did.

I cried myself to sleep that night.

Christmas was only 4 days away. Get to Christmas. You can do it. Remember you are loved, and you must love yourself. Keep sailing girl.