Not only does my mind wander…. sometimes it walks off completely.

I made it to Christmas!! Yes! I felt good. The boys were home, presents under the tree, dogs were happy and it was cold as fuck outside. Really cold, New England cold. So cold that my outside shower busted it’s valve. Water was spraying everywhere.

I had just gotten out of a lovely hot shower and heard the pop from outside. I was already wet so I figured I’d just throw on a rain jacket and handle the situation. Just a rain jacket, that was it. I forgot it was 30 degrees outside. I also forgot I am not an engineer. My first plan did not work, so on to plan B, shut the water off at the main valve. Still in my rain jacket, Jackson and I attempt to shut off the main water valve, now that just busted off. Oh no. We did manage to fix that situation thank goodness.

Stay calm. Do not freak out. Do not let this ruin Christmas. Think…

I know people!!

Fortunately, I only freaked out for 2 minutes. Stay calm. I realized I know people who have stuff and know how to fix things. I called my friend and neighbor who works for the water company and I was able to get a meter wrench which I needed to shut the water off at the meter box. Done! I also called my friend who is a contractor and handy man extraordinaire. He came over and fixed the outside shower. What a friend to do that on Christmas morning. It was a Christmas miracle. My ‘bad luck’ was just a reminder that I was very lucky to have wonderful people in my life who came to my rescue on Christmas morning. We got on with the day and I had a really good Christmas surrounded by my family. It was all I needed.

I bought myself most of my Christmas presents this year. I had to set myself up for success! One of my little fun gifts to myself was a yellow push button that said “You are a Badass.” After my plumbing situation, I thought the button was a perfect gift to myself. When pushed, it plays 5 different affirmations of badassery. It also came with a little yellow book titled the same. “You are a Badass.” I waited a few days after Christmas before I even looked at this book. On December 28th, the book was calling to me, I started to read it. I didn’t start from the begining, I just opened it up and the words popped out at me.

Love yourself.

What are you doing here?

Forgive yourself.

Surround yourself with people who think the way you want to think.

Your brain is your bitch.

Love yourself, unless you have a better idea.

This little book was amazing. I couldn’t get enough of it.

After Lorick died I spent days with racing thoughts, self doubt, sadness, lonely. Ex-Wife Island is a very lonely place. This little book was a life boat. The message was so simple and clear. LOVE YOURSELF. I wrote that down. Nothing else matters, nothing good can come back to me if I don’t love myself first. Loving myself first became my new mission.

It’s a daily practice, just as giving grace is. I was giving grace to others but not to myself. I needed to forgive myself for being so hard on me. Replaying the what if’s of the week leading to Lorick’s death. I really needed to forgive myself for the years I allowed someone to tell me how bad I was. I am not bad, but I am a badass.

This badass is going the make my brain my bitch and get that bitch back on track. Time to release some baggage.

Dear Lorick,

Can you help me please? It’s silly of me to ask because you were mean to me, a lot. Your mean words made me feel ugly, less than. Did you say those things to me because you felt that way about yourself? I know you loved me, you just didn’t love yourself. You said those hurtful things to me because that hurt was trapped in you. I’m sorry you did not love yourself enough. Please let me go. Please let me heal and find happiness and love again. I deserve that.

I do miss you a bunch. I always loved how you smelled and I thought of that yesterday. If only we could have one more chance, but we can not. All of our chances are gone. Please let me go.

xoxo Sugar Britches