“You are you. Now, isn’t that pleasant?”
― Dr. Seuss

Since I pressed the restart on my self worth journey, I think I need to go back to some early days. I decieded to travel back to the positive events rather than the negative events of my life, perhaps that will remind me of my value not what caused me to self doubt. I am digging even deeper and revisiting those events that celebrate how incredible I am. I am incredible, I can say it. As a young child I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted, and I knew I wasn’t going to let anyone tell me I couldn’t. I understood myself long before I let anyone infiltrate my brain with their negative words, I knew my worth.

Third grade. Verona, NJ. The Verona Eagles Football Program. I wanted to become a cheerleader. I will become a cheerleader.

The Verona Eagles was run by the town’s recreation department. Football was a big deal in Verona, or at least that is how I remember it. As any recreation program would have, the Eagles program’s teams were broken into age groups. They catagorized them by A-team (oldest group, pre highschool) all the way down to the D-team (youngest group, elementary). We had just moved to Verona from a neighboring town. The recreation department sent flyers and mailers out via the schools or the mail. I brought home the flyer giving notice of upcoming cheerleading tryouts. The cheer squad for each of age group football teams only had spots for 12 girls. Over 50 girls for each team squad came to tryout, it was very competitive. Game on.

My nextdoor neighbor who was the same age and in the same grade as me, was also going to tryout. We were both excited. As I remember it, tryouts lasted for 3 days. You had 2 days to learn the 3-4 choreographed cheers that the volunteer cheer mom judge committee expected us to perform. We knew we wouldn’t know which cheer we would be called on to perform that final day, so knowing each cheer like the back of your hand was must. The third day was the official tryouts. I also remember being put into small groups to learn the different cheers. I don’t know if we picked our groups or if the volunteer moms incharge placed us in those small groups. I am almost certain it was up to the volunteer mom judge group to create the small practice groups. An important detail to remember, I am the new kid in town…. As we practiced in our little groups, the volunteer moms would walk around with clip boards and take notes on all the girls. The Verona Eagles recreation cheer squad was not messing around. You had better be fan-fucking-tastic, or hope you’re related to one of the volunteer moms.

Verona had four elementary schools and one catholic school. Girls from anyone of those schools could tryout. I recall my small practice group. Not to be mean, but I knew none of them stood a chance of making it. I am sure 2 out of the 4 in my group were forced to tryout because their mom most likely pressed them, and I am sure for various reasons. I remember being super frustrated because these girls kept messing up, and they were messing me up. But, my little 3rd grade self somehow tuned those limpy, quite uncoordinated girls out. I turned my voice up and knew I needed to be heard and seen by those ‘judges’, the volunteer moms. We were told on day one what we would be judged on. It was appearance, speaking loud and clear, coordination, and basic gymnastic ability, if you had a advanced gymnastic ability and could deliver on request said ability, you would most likely make the team. I was determined to do the splits, perfect cartwheels, round offs to back bend, and the show stealer, the round off bounce into a perfect split. I can still do the splits. lol

My next door neighbor was not in my practice group, however when we got home, we practiced together until our parents called us in. No way in hell was I not making this cheer squad. I definately had major squad goals. Where did this come from in me? My mom wasn’t a cheerleader, my dad never played football, my older brother and sister didn’t either. I was driven, determined. It felt important to me. I knew I was good at it too. Day 2, I was moved out of my sad little never going to be a Verona Eagle Cheerleader group to a new group of solid potentials. This was a good sign. Those volunteer mom judges knew I was good too. I felt confident about it. This team needed me. That afternoon after day 2 my backyard was torn up from my many cartwheels, round offs and splits.

It’s Day 3, tryouts. Let’s roll.

The volunteer moms were not walking around with their clip boards anymore. Now they are all seated at a long table looking stone faced. We were called into the gym in groups of 4. How they grouped us that day was a bit of a surprise, we were not in the same group we practiced with on day 2. Ahh, I see what these moms are doing, they want to make sure we can adapt to different girls, making sure we can sync up with new girls that we had not practiced with during day 1 and day 2. No problem here. Well, honestly I am sure my heart was pounding and I was nervous as all get out, but they were not going to see me sweat. Our lead judge starts to give us final instructions, “Ok girls, I will call out the start of the cheer like your team capitan would do, so please follow my lead.” Immediately after the mom judge gives us her command, I see her wink at the girl at the bookend of my group. Wait what?! Dammit, it’s her mom. Oh great, I’m in a group with one of the volunteer mom judge’s daughter.

Stay calm, speak loud and clear, land your roundoff to split, SMILE.

The tryout took all of 8 minutes, maybe less. Now it’s time to wait. OMG the wait was so long. I remember this being the hardest part about the entire 3 days. I knew I was good. I knew I was better than the volunteer mom judge’s daughter. If I did not make it, then this Verona Eagles cheer squad is rigged fo sho.

I made it. I MADE IT!!! I was the 12th girl picked. That detail still gets under my skin some, only because I knew I was better than a few of the girls who were selected ahead of me on the list. I understood my abilities, my value and worth that day. I was so confident, I worked hard and deserved my spot on the team. Self worth, self love, self confidence, knowing my value, not giving up. It’s amazing at such a young age, I understood. So what ever happend to Deni, the spunky little Verona Eagles Cheerleader who is on this journey to get herself back?

We’ve got spirit, yes we do!

We’ve got spirit, how about you?

We’ve got strength, yes we do!

We’ve got strength, how about you?

We’re the champions, we’re on top!