Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
The Man on the White horse is good. Did you hear me Lorick? I said the Man on the White Horse is good. He doesn’t want anything from me, he isn’t interested in taking anything from me. Nothing. Did you hear me?
I am scared. The fear I have to give my heart to someone is ginormous. How can I put my heart on the line, again? What if he leaves me? What if he hurts me? What if he tells me I am bad? How could I possibly handle that? I have been conditioned to believe I am a horrible person. You told me I was mean, abusive, negative. You told me I was a failure, bad mother. Oh, remember when you told me I was weak, you said I was just pretending to be healthy and strong. You told me people didn’t know the real Denice. Only you knew the real Denice. The real Denice was bad.
What the fuck, that wasn’t nice. And, it was all lies. I know what you said to me, really was what you felt about yourself. I am sorry you couldn’t love yourself enough. I am sorry that I let you pass your demons on to me.
How could the Man on the White Horse want me? I am all of those terrible things. How could anyone want me? I am broken. Oh, I want to scream and cry at all of it. I blame myself for so much, yet my logical mind knows those words, implications of my character are not true.
Remember, stable people attract staple people. That works in reverse. Honestly, I wasn’t looking to attact anything at all. But…. Who is this Guy on a Horse, really? What the heck is he doing with a very much grieving Ex-Wife who he has to pick up on that shitty Ex-Wife Island? What is the deal? Hold the horses! Could the Guy on the Horse have an agenda? Maybe so, maybe so. I let my guard down big time, I am going to forgive myself for this one. I was grieving I wasn’t in the right mind space, I knew something was off, I kept saying to myself, this is too good to be true. The Man on the White Horse was really only a morally bankrup dude on a moped. The Devil’s voice is sweet to hear. Time to mute the Devil.
I get upset when I think about all the unpleasant stuff. I feel sad about it. There is a hole in me. As I explore my hole, I realize a hole is a circle and circles represent God’s love for us, which has no beginning and no end. In other words, God loves us through thick and thin, the good and the bad, regardless of what daily challenges we are struggling through.
God loves me. That needs to be enough.
Dear Lorick,
Please clear a path for me. Help me let love back in. Condition my heart to allow someone to care for me. Condition my heart to allow me to love me again. Please. I know you really did not mean to hurt me with your words. I understand why you said what you said, it doesn’t make it ok, but I get it. You were hurt by someone too. Please release me from it.
xoxo
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4 responses to “Gone, just like that. Sticks & Stones.”
Wait Without Hope
By: T.S. Eliot
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
Whisper of running streams, and winter lightning.
The wild thyme unseen and the wild strawberry,
The laughter in the garden, echoed ecstasy
Not lost, but requiring, pointing to the agony
Of death and birth.
T. S. Eliot, East Coker
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I am assuming the Man on the White Hores was from a dream. He is a powerful archetypal image and all archtypal images are bivalent. This means they have both a light and dark aspect. If one is deeply Christian this image might refer to the words the apostle, John, who tells us that Jesus is returning on a white horse: “Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness, he judges and makes war” (Revelation 19:11; see Psalm 45). Most Bible scholars are of the opinion that this passage is not referring to the Rapture, but rather to Jesus’ coming to earth with His saints at the end of the Tribulation.
Perhaps you are being more fairly judged by God than by yourself. It could be a promise of the end of tribulation.
Looking at this image through the lens of the Archetypal Tarot, this image represents the Death card. When Death arises in a reading, it typically indicates a time of change and a nIn Whether you are stuck yearning for an unrequited love that’s not meant to be, or mourning a lost loved one, the reversed Death card indicates that it’s time to let go, move on and look forward.
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Oh Hope, I wish it was just a dream. I love reading this comment though. Nothing is an accident, I believe in fate and destiny. I wanted to be saved by the man on the white horse. For some reason I can not understand, I believe God placed this man in my life for a purpose. I will have to share the extensive details with you in person. I look forward to telling you the full story.
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I would like that
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